I think setting your standards needs to be established as something you can use against âred flagsâ. In some respects a red flag should be a warning while other grey areas might hint towards a potential problem. Trying to âfixâ someone into what you want should also be a red flag. In the end I would hope who ever you are dating is someone you see value in. If it isnât something they have done before chances are they wonât do it in the future.
Itâs not about finding someone perfect. Itâs more about finding someone who is self-aware and willing to grow and heal, instead of always being in denial and thinking they are never the problem. Most of these people with this mindset have a mental health stigma and thus never seek therapy, because âif you have God in your life, you donât need therapyâ.
If you have had an honest and open conversation with them about what you donât like / what makes you feel disrespected and it happens over and over again with no change. Then itâs best to let go.
My matching criteria allows imperfections and is fair and God has taught us perfect love. So in my case it's up to the other person to be honest with themselves and the active step of choosing.
I think if theyâre perusing the fulfillment of that potential itâs great. Otherwise if you see something in them theyâre not remotely pursuing, it could be a set of rose colored glasses and a prescription for frustration and disappointment for the both of you.
I donât gamble đ
Nah, Iâm happy that your mind went that way (it was a set up) I believe the idea of who to marry has been influenced by the world. The world operate by sight, even they guys u meet are operating in that system- the aim is to see if it/we fit first. We ought to marry in faith, just as we ought to come together as virgins. We been doing it all wrong đ dating is an intimacy bone to bone reserved for husband and wife. Dating is men invented, a loophole to get women in bed with a real commitment.
Dating for potential could be how you want someone to be and they're simply just not. This is also what you could call red flags, where you see how someone could possible change but you ignore who they're actual telling or showing you they are.
Gotta have boundaries for the potential possibility! Recently rediscovered, if possibility gonna seek reasons relationship is hindered, rather than possibilities that could edify or strengthen relationship, it's not worth pursuing!
Lot of personality is built around the daily habits, and one that will help improve your potential in all spaces is being physically active. Doesn't need to be the gym, it can be pilates, hiking, biking, etc. Do it frequent enough and you will improve your dating potential by a long shot. The feel good chemicals your brain provides also will help with other habits, the main point of this is the potential needs to be articulated and shown there's improvement. Define your "potential" and commit.
Haaaaha !
I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations or fixate on an intangible something. It sometimes feels like saying "I want to meet someone I enjoy being with, to support each other and maybe have a little family" is not enough. I dated someone once who said I was basically perfect, I made them happy and admitted that wasnt enough. To my knowledge - they are still single. I took a long break from dating after.
@Christopher have you ever heard the excuse "you're too good for me"? That makes me mad
@Claire me too đ
@Claire no. Lol. I dont imagine that happening to me either. đ¤Ł
Why dating among Christians nowadays is getting too complicated? And it seems a taboo topic at church too. Honestly I felt left out when they all have ministry for all ages and couples and widows and seniors but singles are not in the equation. Theres a silent scream inside my head why it is difficult to find a match in the church? Specially if you become Christian later in your life.
@Rose this is such a great point Rose. I think (this is my experience only) that there is an element of discomfort of having a single person around. Whether itâs feeling ashamed, as I have, or other people not being able to relate to you⌠Or, wondering what is âwrong with youâ to warrant you being single. Finding someone is a precious thing, it is often seen as a guarantee in life. But, for some it simply isnât for Godâs good reasons.
@Rose being single feels different in a church. I had a friend at a Bible study once talk about a cousin who was single and started to say âyou should dateâ then stopped and said I wasnât his business. Part of me would have liked some ind of help matching
And part of me wants to find someone on my own. My church doesnât have a singles ministry. I wonder what it might look like.
Id like to know why does 6' have to be every females standard
I think we look at potential from past experiences đ¤ˇââď¸ imagine if we have never dated and never had sex, how will we determine who to marry? đââď¸
@Thabo are you saying you should have sex before marriage to make sure they meet your standard? Most Romanian men i met here think this way, and it's hard to find real Christian Romanians, with biblical life principals, since in Romania al ortodox people are called Christians and they don't know the difference between christians abiding by God's law and just religion based Christians. So they usually are disappointed when I say "no sex outside of marriage."
I've been on that road and it's just a selfish, flesh pleasing road, leaving a lot of scars and never healing wounds. If you meet someone who matches your standards, do you ask yourself if you are meeting theirs?
@Claire Praise God for living out your convictions! Praying the LORD bless you richly and bring you a husband. đđź
Potential, to me, means they have the attributes needed to reach their goals. Self-motivated, diligent, reliable, etc. I can believe in your dreams/vision & in your ability to achieve them. If youâre putting in the work to heal, to grow, to seek accountability and be discipled; itâs easy to believe in your personal growth. But loving someone with conditions/assumption theyâll become your preference, despite them not taking steps to become that person⌠that seems unfair.
Lowering standards means choosing to be content with something less than your preference/original expectations.
As been mentioned some things are non negotiable such as faith but it also means to be realistic what one is looking for in the other person. Through some difficult dating experience I have come to the realisation that things are not going to be perfect this side of eternity and I need to be willing to accept the other person with their flaws as I am deeply flawed too.
I don't know if anyone has had that experience of lowering their expectations or standards and having the person project their insecurities on to you. If my spirit is not receptive, I safely move on.
That's why it's so important to have the spirit of discernment and some boundaries.
Write the Vision. Be clear on God's nonnegotiable for a healthy mate...ie Mature in Christ-like character. Secondly, be clear on your personal non-negotiable needs. For example if you don't want to marry someone with children already or you desire a non-drinker. Don't feel guilty about your preferences. You have to count the cost b/c certain choices will come with the extra drama or responsibilities. Remember, Getting Married is optional. Keeping your Vows is a command. Let's Choose wisely.
@Janine Well said đđź
@Rebekah Glad it resonated with you...đđđż
Iâd suggest being very practical and asking the question - If this doesnât change, can I live with it? Generally speaking, people donât substantially change.
@Catherine, absolutely Catherine, you don't want to ignore red flags. You definitely have to be realistic and practical.
@Catherine Do you think that willingness to change is in itself indicative of where a person's walk with Christ is? For example I like to think that if I was truly loving my wife as Christ loves the church, I would be willing to change the habits I have that she finds annoying, not necessarily because I find anything wrong with them but because changing them would be an act of love towards her.
@Andy Yeees! Exactly. Likewise. The willingness and want to change becomes a part of learning to love, in the real sense. Itâs my sole and only reason to want to meet someone, if Iâm completely honest! So, if they were to âmyâ standards, what is there to ever learn there..?
@Andy Oh yes, absolutely. I was thinking about this in the car earlier, and reflecting on the fact that I do this with the people in my life. But at the same time, Iâd draw a distinction between habits, character, and a personâs values and personality.
@Catherine E.g., if a person is unambitious and their partner hopes this will change, I donât think thatâs a fair expectation. Similarly, if someone is argumentative, or very messy, I wouldnât bank on this changing. Which is why considering the âwhat ifâ of it not changing is important.
@Catherine I also think thatâs a fun point of reflection for us. đ For example, if I think I will be willing to change something about my character âwhen I meet the right personâ then I may be in slight self denial.
@Catherine hopefully that isnât a depressing line of thought. I think that relationships are beautiful when folks grow towards one another, but painful and disappointing when it doesnât happen as expected. So prayer / reflection is pretty importantâŚ
@Andy I think I managed to reply to myself, not you. đ And I work in tech. đ
@Catherine Hola Catherine
As Kati has alluded to, it depends what standards weâre talking about. If itâs âthey must be a good cookâ and they have a level of ability, then itâs likely trivial. But in terms of Godâs standards, whilst weâre all on a journey, there needs to be a decent level of spiritual maturity - are they kind, caring, honest and show integrity etc? These things are vital to being a Christian, as well as a healthy relationship. If we have to keep overlooking these things, then itâs ignoring red flags.
Also, spiritual maturity does not directly correlate with how long someone has been a Christian or their church attendance/involvement. It would be wise for new Christians to focus and grow in faith for a year or so before dating (rather than us âdating them for their potentialâ) but it also canât be assumed that those whoâve been a Christian for a long time (even if they know their Bible and do lots in church) are actually spiritually mature and a decent human being.
The verse that comes to mind is Romans 12.2 âDo not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what Godâs will isâhis good, pleasing and perfect will.â I suppose the question is are you seeing âpotentialâ for reaching your own standards? Or potential in the manner that Christ graciously also sees in us when He adopts us.. who we will become when truly loved by Him. His peace guides us when in doubt.
