A similar topic came up at my workplace some time ago, and after listening to the discussions, I got the impression that both men and women nowadays are often confused about what actions they should take. It seems like no matter what you do or don’t do, it’s always considered wrong. I even felt bad for one of my male friends when he told us that a woman got offended when he opened the door for her at a shop.
If men see it as pressure they still boys, they need to grow up.
@Lilian Good encouragement 😳🤔
Pressure!? I'm not sure if that's the right word. I'm sure Woman feel 'Pressure' as well, but in different ways. I feel like there's a process in dating, especially if you're looking for someone who may be like-minded, where both people are 'vetting' the other. For men, this vetting process can be a bit expensive if you're unsure what you're looking for Jay
Personally I feel the pressure. In terms to reach out and initiate a conversation. Recently a lovely lady reached out to me first and it felt good that she did. I told her she was bold and she told me we need to be brave. And my perspective changed. I usually will initially make the first move but I have to have a strong sense of attraction. However how are you supposed to know you’re attracted to someone if you don’t get to know them.
That sounds traditional, how it should be. also, there’s nothing wrong with her not wanting you to pay something to assist over.
I don’t think that pressure…. sounds pretty normal….and plenty of upside if you click 🥂
Sounds the same as all the dating I've ever done tbh
Do you guys find Christian girls To be nicer in the beginning and Slowly get pickyer and more exp. Too much?
@Caleb it's all dependent on the woman...
Lol I have a question
Just treat me like a potential new friend. The rest will take care of itself.
You can imagine the situation in Italy…
Yes
Naa.. just love Jesus. When I feel pressure, my eyes are not looking up to the Lord anymore 🙌 There is no pressure in Him, but marvellous peace. We have good good Father, bros and sisters. Rest in Him ✝️
I hated dating in church culture because I'm just not that kind of guy at all. Salt helped a lot honestly because you realize there's all sorts of Jesus-loving women out there, not just the "traditional" types.
What I have found in Church (I'm NOT pointing to anyone here btw, please don't take this personally.), is that the ladies aren't taught by other older women, they are taught by the world. So there is a tendency to use worldly values more than Biblical values in everything, but specifically here picking mates.
Normally, in any situation there is some pressure, but at the times there could be some much pressure, that the only one who is responsible for creating it is yourself. As a man, in order to minimise it, you should have a clear, precise and straightforward goal. Don't keep on changing your mind. Identify what you want and don't want from a relationship and stick with it. Yes, you will repel most people but at the same time you will attract people who are seeking similar things like you.
Christian dating culture can be worse than secular dating culture for men with Autism that struggle socially. There’s this idea that men should always be the initiators, but for someone like me with autism, that’s not always easy. I have trouble reading signals, and large social situations can be overwhelming, so traditional dating dating dynamics can feel very discouraging.
I think there should be more room for different communication styles and more grace and patience in how relationships develop, rather than assuming one approach that everyone thinks is the most “biblical” works for everyone.
@Ben L. Exactly
I also have Autism and ADHD. I have dated people in the past that have said "can you get better at x,y or z?" And it's like... no. I am already doing the best I can. Added to this, I have found a lot of Christians have a very macho/toxic view of how the male/female relationship should work and that my neurodivergence does *not* fit in well with that and nor do my own personal values.
I think it's an inherited pressure from previous or observed experiences with dating, and that initial step of asking a female on a date can be very daunting for blokes that have been rejected previously, of which some rejections can come across as super brutal! It just saps that confidence until there's nothing left!
I don't know, but I think it's always important for someone to pray what they best way to be in such circumstances and ask others to pray as well
To be completely honest...I dont care about expectations anymore. I used to do but now I just try to be a godly and good man....and do what I deem appropriate. I will pursue a woman for a while but if I dont sense interest in her actions ( in my experience words are often empty), I will wish her the best and go my own way. If God has someone for me I trust Him to arrange it. If not...I will just keep giving my faith and efforts to Him. In the end there are only a few things worth sacrificing for
@Matityahu i think, it would be good to just befriend so as to get to know the person and see from there. That way, you dont get unnecesary entaglement or since you can not really know from the get go... Or ask for signs from God or look for fruit of Holy Spirit before pursuing
At first yes, until I realized whom I wanted to please, the world or Jesus. I'm just happy that it didn't work out, because either they or I were too immature in the Holy Spirit and not willing to help each other grow. Now I'm chilling this through and instead of searching I try to find a mature woman in the Holy Spirit.
@Anukun the Skywalker Praise God! HALLELUYAH! Be blessed in Jesus name! This is everything for a man to realize to put God first! May God bless you in His time with the right one.
That is nice!
I feel like I’m to hot for women, women care about this world and themselves too much. I’m burning too much for Jesus. They are also attracted to men of this world I shouldn’t have to compete with them as a Christian man. It’s frustrating I feel the dating pool is slim perhaps it will take a miracle to receive my wife. Please help God
@Devon it's ok mate, I think you could also apply the meaning of Matthew 7, 13-14 here as well.
Not all women do, I sure don't. The greatest treasures are the heavenly ones of God!! Be encouraged brother. Anyone who seeks God first and walks after Jesus in love will not be accepted by most, its not easy, but it really is a blessing! Stay prayerful without ceasing. God bless you!
Maybe not, how did you say so?some woman might wanna know the character first. But were the encounters to say so?
Personally no I don’t think it’s too much pressure. I used to but as I’ve rejected “nice guy” culture and embraced healthy masculinity I do think there’s a certain responsibility to step up when it comes to relationships. We need to teach men how to be bolder and lead well instead of showing passivity, that applies to all areas of life but particularly relationships
@Paddy what do you mean you've rejected "nice guy" culture? I think any good woman should be looking for a good guy? None of this red pill alpha garbage, or the feminist garbage.
@Natalie Olivia there’s a big difference between a good man and a “nice guy”. “Nice guys” are usually the ones who are passive , people pleasing and insecure looking for validation from others of their niceness. Good men have integrity, speak the truth in love and have the ability to lead. I was the former and frankly quite toxic in my behaviour as a result but have worked very hard to be the latter now with a lot of Gods help and emotional work
@Paddy OK, that make a lot of sense. I understand now. Good for you! Yeah, passive and insecure is no good. Integrity is huge!
I'm actually very encouraged by this, cuz I can relate to this journey. I used to be so timid, insecure, people pleasing, quiet, and God helped me a lot, flipped the script so I'd start standing bold for truth. So AMEN brother 🔥, I am encouraged by this! @Paddy God bless you and keep the faith!
@Paddy My man! 100% This Is what they mean by, nice guys finish last
@Natalie Olivia Agree
I was reading thru the comments on this post and saw urs. It’s sooo great to see that there r still some men embracing true masculinity and not just tryna be a “nice guy” but instead a true, godly man ready to lead, protect and provide.
@Paddy I agree with you. Healthy masculinity is attractive. Men need to be brave and bold. Think both genders face pressure too after a number of rejections
@Paddy Well said brother 👏 Can personally relate. God's amazing grace has helped me grow in all areas of my life, too! Still miles to go, but not with the baggage of insecurity or regret! We are new persons through our Saviour. Good men over nice men, anyday! Keep spreading the word! Love it!
No pressure.
Online dating is strange, in that you are instantly put into a 'do you possibly like this person romantically?' scenario, whereas if you meet someone in person you are able to get to know them before anything more on either side is considered. To help this, if people's profiles had more honest and open information in them, the chats via the app would be more rounded, rather than trying to find out info about them that you have already shared. My request - men and women, put more in your profiles
Relating to paying for dates etc. I don't think either party should need to have plenty of money to be able to date. Honesty around this is needed, and I am more than happy to pay for things. However, I have discovered that sometimes men can find it to be an insult if they don't pay. I personally like to take it in turns to pay for things, but maybe others would disagree with this approach
@Rachel not to mention not everyone is photogenic. Or has decent recent photos.
@Justin I'm not sure what you meant by photogenic. When I said for both men and women to put more in their profiles, I meant information about themselves and their faith, not necessarily more photos. I hope this makes sense, and I didn't mean any offence
@Rachel no offense taken, I was actually agreeing with you. Basically saying that photos don't do people justice a lot of the time.
@Justin Thank you - that makes sense. When I think about it, there are quite a few people I have met randomly in real life and thought they are amazing men of God and could be quite attracted to them once getting to know them, and probably wouldn't have been attracted to them by just seeing a dating app profile of them
My #1 request to ladies who are wanting a relationship. Men don't mind initiating, but we kinda need to know you have interest. Your hints 99% of the time say nothing to us. If we ask you out and you say no, we walk. If Interested, come back with a day that works instead of just "no". #2 don't be nice to us, then get surprised when we ask you out. And saying "eww" really sucks. #3 plz! If in a church, if we ask one girl out and she's not interested, don't badmouth him to the other girls.
@Justin this is solid advice
@Justin I don’t drop hints. I order fireworks. I know hints never work. 😅 🎆 Clear communication is important for both parties. Communicate boundaries. Communicate if boundaries are crossed. Communicate why you’re on Salt from the get go. Communicate any concerns regarding incompatibility. In summary, just say it, communicate it, no one can read minds. Make your yes mean yes and your no mean no (Matthew 5:37).
@Justin your 100 % on point. Also when badmouthing someone behind their backs is not only unhealthy but a bad reflection on oneself and others shouldn't indulge gossiping either cause then your just as bad. Gossiping sadly breaks down relationships in the community in a church.
@Just Me Hayley a friend would stab from the front right? Haha. I’ve heard that saying and am amused but I do prefer no stabbing to be done. Sometimes a hug and loving words cut to my heart deeper than any stabbing could do. Some Godly advice relating to gossiping: “A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.” - Proverbs 16:28 (NIV) “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.” - Proverbs 11:13 (NIV)
“Whoever conceals hatred with lying lips and spreads slander is a fool.” - Proverbs 10:18 (NIV) “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” - Ephesians 4:29 (NIV) On another side of the coin Jesus states, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.” - Matthew 5:11 (NIV)
“Those who are persecuted for the sake of Christ, Jesus reassures them in the next verse, “Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.” - Matthew 5:12 (NIV). This record and encouragement is also found in Luke 6:22-23.
@Just Me Hayley has someone bring gossiping behind your back on here Hayley? I hope not. In any case, we are not be surprised when it happens. There will be wolves trying to get at us sheep and those wolves will pretend to be sheep but alias and Hallelujah we know Our Shepherd’s voice! :)
I'm interested in this subject. Men and women both have their struggles when it comes to Christian dating and discernment is key. Not everyone who is on a Christian app is a Christian, some want to bring their worldly styles into it and it doesn't work. If a man feels pressured to approach a lady, then address it with the Holy Spirit. You don't talk about marriage from the get go, but understand that is the purpose of Christian dating, to find your kingdom spouse. Friends first helps a long way.
IMHO It is not pressure, it is a responsibility for me to approach and initiate. As a man I am asked by our Father to lead. That does not mean rule, but lead, loving God and my wife and everyone else too, even my enemies. If God is in favour of the relationship I know the Holy Spirit will guide me in that initial connection, so I trust in that and bring Him into it from the start. And why wouldn't I? There is no pressure with God. He wants me to love and be loved.
Craig 100 % on point. Loving the way you open with no hesitation state it's no pressure & a responsibility. Your like a breath of fresh air, a man so close to my heart. All that you've mentioned I stand by and support and believe in too. And I without a shadow of a doubt believe like you that God wants us to love, be loved and accept love. I've started to learn to listen and listen to learn. I'm naturally curious and quite the chatterbox 🤭🤗
Thank you so much for these. Leadership in a man moreso a Christian should be trait or character ☺️
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@Jay Thanks for sharing these struggles Jay and for being open and vulnerable. Yes, in the name feminism, I feel there’s been a pendulum shift that’s swung too far where there seems to be sexism towards men! That’s not where feminism was originally aiming. We’re in a transition societally. That’s why it’s important to look to Christ to stay grounded as the pendulum of society swings.
@Jay I believe Christ will give the grounding we need. I see no other grounding options at this point, if there were any. Stand up for Christ men and women. Let’s be the change we want to see in the world. ✊ Go team, go! 😄
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@Jay I agree with much of what is said about how hard it is for us guys, but let me share a pet peeve of mine regarding women being disrespected and how that makes it hard on us as guys since you mentioned a positive experience with women in Asia.
I have Ukrainian heritage. Regrettably, I didn’t learn Ukrainian from my grandmother who I was very close to. I attend Ukrainian lessons in person every other Saturday because my job requires me to work the other Saturday. I attend a small Ukrainian language church. I am part of the local Ukrainian cultural association and I have been to Ukraine and like it there even without taking advantage of the exchange rate. I like Ukrainian people both men and women, young and old.
I am both American/Canadian and Ukrainian although I probably don’t seem very Ukrainian to most Ukrainians, but I really am Ukrainian at heart and working toward being myself while becoming more Ukrainian by learning the language and stuff.
My point is that I am not some creepy 60 year old trying to find a 20 year old Ukrainian woman or even a creepy 37 year old. I would totally be open to dating and marrying a non-Ukrainian, but it makes sense that I might also specifically look to date Ukrainian women. However, most of the search results you get are disgusting and objectifying that don’t include real Ukrainians looking for a spouse. Just laughable plastic surgeon models and AI altered photos with some scammer behind a computer.
If you are a decent guy who is looking to meet real people and looking at a specific country it’s impossible to find non-objectifying and stereotyping results. I am planning to travel to Ukraine again soon and probably spend a week or two there each year and eventually move to Ukraine and come back to my Virginia hometown in the Winter. If I have kids then I want them to grow up learning Ukrainian. But real decent Christian men just get fake profile sites that demean women shoved in our face.
Oh I lived in Asia for around 7 years and the people seem to be much friendlier and open. I found it rather interesting when I read things how dating here is and well it might be true in regards to some aspects. Some women might just use it for validation. "Oh I am so liked and desired that is all I needed,good bye chester !" 🤣
@Matthias thanks for sharing your story. Wish you well on your next endeavors to come ;)
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Jay I read through your entire thread and you and Matthias are spot on right. What I can't condone is how Christian woman are displaying themselves in not so modest attire and very provocative poses luring men as a stumbling block and unfortunately the scammers are everywhere which makes it even harder to discover the real people. That being said I'm also finding that real God-centric men are finding it too good to be true when they find a real diamond and rather pick up stones. U'r rare & ❤️'d
It depends ...just be transparent about your intention is key in my opinion as a woman.
Not sure if it’s pressure, but there is an imbalance and unrealistic expectations - teaching aimed at men will say something like “don’t dismiss the ladies in your orbit”, whilst women taught not to “settle”. Of course there should be standards of decency/attitude/behaviour, but it seems like guys are dismissed if they don’t fit everything on a checklist. Also, in today’s society, men are assumed to be up to no good, so approaching a woman carries fear of accusation or being labelled.
Things that need to change: - The Church better discipling/mentoring men and women, so that Christian standards/values are taught - Ladies can help by filling out their profiles, give us guys a better idea of your faith, hobbies and hopes for the future - this helps us to evaluate if we have things in common and strike up a meaningful conversation. The same applies IRL - if guys know you have certain hobby/interests, that makes conversation easier and more conducive to asking you out.
@Rob Yes! I’m tired of basically no information beyond a few pics that aren’t suggestive (I skip profiles with suggestive photos on secular dating apps even if they say they are Christians), and say, “I love sushi! Yay Jesus!” and that’s it. Or the profiles that go on and on about what they want in a husband, but give us nothing about your heart and how you will remain by our side if we lose our job or the house or how you act when we get into a disagreement.
@Matthias I agree with you. Though unfortunately this happens both ways. The amount of profiles I've seen where the person has put .... as the "answer" to the necessary questions. Yes, just a few dots 😞 I block those immediately. A shame it happens to the men here too. Hope things will improve for you.
@Matthias Could you please give me feedback on my profile? I would greatly appreciate it. I’m mainly here for community and making friends but if God guides me to someone, I’m open about it.
@Oasis I’m really not qualified to judge anyone’s profile, but I do appreciate how you describe yourself in a way that lets us get to understand you as a person. My comment regarding provocative profile pictures really refers to secular dating sites that allow one to include religion on their bio.
@Matthias okay, I’m glad that my profile does share enough about me that’s it’s not superficial or so Jesus-oriented that it seems impersonal. ☺️
It's kinda funny/sad I actually found 2 profiles of the same chick, slightly different pictures different names. With one of those 2 pics 2 one word answers things. Figured out they are bots or something. Reported it/them/whomever lol.
@Rob I REALLY wish the church did something about matchmaking. Used to be Jewish yentas were a thing. Now... You have to beg ppl to pray for you to find someone.
@Justin it depends on the church, how big the community is and also whether people are matchmaking out of genuine care, or just because they like to meddle. Also, if it doesn’t work out, it’s usually the guy who gets ostracised/bad-mouthed/made to feel awkward, so that’s another barrier to taking the risk of asking a girl out in the first place.
@Rob a lot of "likes" instead of intros here. Seems like no one even reads, ratio is like 1/25-30
@Ariana I generally send meaningful intros with a question relating to their profile, over just hitting like. But as other guys have also reported, hardly any response. The ratio you mention is probably fairly accurate as I put it to be around 2-3%
As a guy? personally no. but, i do see those expectations leave women feeling defeated irl when a man doesn’t take the first step.
Never mind the actual date, I find it hard to read the signals leading up to an eventual date. Is there a serious interest or are women just being friendly?
@Nick personally I wouldn't meet a guy just to be his friend. I would meet him as a potential serious interest. I can't speak for all woman though.
@Mel best to build relationships from friendship, that way you both can talk and have honest conversations. I like to talk and be friends so I know someone better before moving forward
@Emmanuel hey. Yes I agree. But I'm talking about the intention
@Nick I like to just "hang out" with questions/curiosity of who they are rather than look at it as a date. So there's no pressure on either side, you can be more of yourself and hopefully just see if you get along first before anything serious develops
