Red flags in a partner

@Laura how would you like it if a guy you were interested had multiple female friends?

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine. Having friends with low/no boundaries is a red flag.

@Kacey aren’t we all brothers and sisters in Christ? Anyway I grew up with brothers and have lots of platonic relationships so this is something I’ve never heard of being a problem

@Laura well since you've never heard of it being a problem then I can't really expect you to understand. But it's similar to what Derek said.

@Laura it's my red flag and I avoid women like that period.

@Tom Proverbs 9:10 NIV: The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding. Amen!! 🙏🙌

@Cameron I pray your sister listened to you🥺

@Denise when someone is too nice too soon and they promise the world but you barely know him and he doesn't know you

@Janamay Like drip feeding 💧 some love to you to keep you around but isn’t really interested in investing in the relationship long term.

@Janamay They like eating the crumbs of your plate.

When the other person leaves the crumbs leftover from their dinner, thinking you will eat them and that they are doing you a favour by doing this

@Claire Very good point! Not all parents are good parents.

@Claire I don't think you can have healthy relationships if you don't heal your parents... You may not be friends with them, but if you can not talk about them from a place of forgiveness, or from a place where someone can tell it's not like an open wound, I would rather not enter into a relationship. I'm not saying they don't deserve love, i'm saying it would be to start a family; you may repeat some unhealthy patterns (maybe we all will).

@Ashley They can only have healthy relationships if God changes and removes the narcissistic traits from their parents or if they forgive their parents and distance themselves. Yes, forgiveness is essential, but we can't heal narcissistic people. No matter how much love or goodness you show them, they will often continue to cause harm because they lack empathy and accountability.

That’s why some people choose to cut contact with their parents, no matter how difficult it is, especially when they're filled with the love of God. All they can do is pray for their parents and hope that God will change them someday. This context is relevant because it explains why someone might have no contact with their parents and why talking about it can still be painful.

Because distancing oneself from loved ones, especially parents, is a hard decision and can be particularly hurtful. But sometimes they have to, for them to move on.

@Claire yes what I mean by heal, is not, that they should actually heal their parents. But I mean they have to heal their relationship with them and the feelings around it. Personally I wouldn't date someone who hasn't forgive or heal their feelings around their parents.

@Claire I have a gym selfie. I don't think mine is a red flag. I think it depends on what you're actually showing in the picture. Some people have provocative shots of themselves.

@Orlando Fair enough. However, I did travel about 2 hours to meet a girl for a dinner (from memory, it was set at 7PM) as a friend without hearing her voice on the phone beforehand. It was a nice surprise hearing it then and there for the first time and it happened to be a nice dinner. We stayed as friends for a few months before deciding to part ways in an amicable way. Overall, it was a good experience.

@Orlando In all fairness, her profile was very Christian. The communication was good on the app. After that dinner, I gave her my phone number. If you are on a dating app you are bound to eventually go and meet a complete stranger if you want to progress. You can text and talk on the phone but eventually you’ll have to meet, and I think the earlier you do that the better…because you’re already “spending time” on the phone.

@Orlando I think what many people don’t realise is that you are responsible for yourself and for your actions and you cannot control the other party. When you draw boundaries it has a lot to do with how you manage yourself.

@Orlando 100% we do the best we can to filter online the ones we think wouldn’t be compatible. However, I don’t think it’s a red flag to want to meet early for an introduction and to see you can be on friendly terms. #friendateship

@Fidel Firstly, my heart would break for them having been through such a horrific thing. Secondly, I don’t consider a spouse who has passed to be an “ex”. Thirdly, I would expect to support my partner in honouring their memory, but if my partner spoke about them relentlessly, I would probably be concerned that they hadn’t processed their grief enough to be ready to date again. Therefore, dating each other wouldn’t be fair on either of us.

@Troy some women may like it. Photos tell a lot about someone’s passions and priorities. To me, a gym is a sweaty place to exercise, not to take pics for an app and selfies suggest someone is super into working out to look good (which I’m not, so they are not my person) and enjoy showing their body off (which I don’t). Other women may disagree, but i prefer muddy boots, big coats and beanies over vests and muscles.

@Lauren I think those are more personal preferences rather than a red flag. At least in my mind a red flag is a signal of some flagrant offense that could be harmful. For example one of mine is if I see provocative, lustful photos.... which indicates possible issues with sexual immorality.

I haven't seen your gym picture, have you removed it? Some guys post naked/very revealing pictures of themselves in the gym/working out. It tells me they prioritize their body more than their character and actively working on becoming more like Jesus every day.

@Claudia It's the last photo on my profile. In my opinion it's not flashy or revealing. In my mind, it just shows that I really like going to the gym and working out

@Claudia yes, it also signals to me that their expectations for a woman’s body will be unrealistic.

@Troy I looked at your profile and it took me a few minutes to figure out which one is the gym picture. I think it is the one with the blue shirt? I wouldn’t consider this a “gym picture” in a negative way, and I don’t think it’s what Claudia was talking about either. We are talking about shirtless photos - guys trying to show off their bodies to look sexy. Yours is just a normal photo that happens to be in a gym.

@Michelle Thank you for the clarification

@Troy exactly what Michelle said. At some point, the kind of pictures we are talking about says to me avoidant attachment style or insecurity, like that's the best part/most interesting thing about them. It's not the case with your pic, Troy. As Michelle said, I didn't realize which one it was either, and that's a good thing!

Yeah I'm assuming you made the right decision and unmatched 😂🙏🏽

@Claire probably had nothing to contribute since devotion is not part of his daily routine 🙄.

@Orlando it was two with two different females. I tried to give the benefit of the doubt. It's hard as a Christian to discern the difference between grace and prudence.

@Denise oh yeah, I understand, is not always very clear where to set the limits, but thankfully you've learned from it and, most importantly, you're safe 😊

@Denise That is such a great point. You don't know if you're being too judgemental by ruling people out for having clear red flags, but might potentially be a great match or if you're being wise and dodging a major bullet. Would you date Paul, if he said "I used to kill Christians" 😁

@Troy exactly. With God anything is possible but it is true that someone could take advantage of the Christian in you to suit their agenda. There is always an element of doubt but also guilt for judging.

12. Their words and actions dont match. I.e. people who say they are nonsmokers/drinkers but their profile pics says otherwise... I actually have 77 things, but i will peave it at 12 for now so i dont give up all the decks in my hands

@Luna most not all but most of their songs have nothing to do with Jesus. They sound like romantic love songs rather than worship songs honoring the God that created us and as far as the "preachers" their teachings are so heretical it's not even funny. Steven furtick claiming one sermon that he is God almighty. Joel Osteen talks more about positivity rather than sin or heart issues. Use discernment. You'll know

@Chris im actually not familiar with any of those preachers, so thats not something i'm curious about. As for the artists, can you give me one example of a specific song you are referring to?

@Luna there isn't just one song in particular it has to do with the poor theology behind those songs that they don't speak truth fully and these churches are forms of pentecostal, charismatic, prosperity preaching which aren't sound Bible doctrine and therefore mislead thousands of people. Research it and you'll find the answers too.

@Chris this is true! Many do not know what they are exposing themselves to

@Cameron it's truly heartbreaking to see so many mislead by these wolves in sheep's clothing. I'm not perfect but I would never want to misrepresent Jesus.

@M Yes, one on SALT was looking for polygamy. On other sites they’ve been looking for threesomes.

@Michelle oh my goodness

@Michelle Agreed on this being more than a red flag but a complete stop! Have been surprised that a Christian dating app allows married people to be on it...but you make a good point about it at least making it transparent instead of people lying...

@Kirsty What do you mean by “unsolicited”? There’s a stage where they’re solicited??

🤣🤣🤣🤣. Great answer Jude. When is that ever ok 🤦🏾‍♂️

@Jude 😂 Not by me! That is just the general term for them in online dating. I thought I would be safe from all 🍆 pics on a Christian app, but apparently not! 😬

❤️🧡💛💚🩵💙 👀👀🤣🤣

@Chris It can be a subtle way of dismissing someone's feelings or concerns. It can also suggest that the person is looking for someone who won't challenge them or call them out on their behavior. It's important to be able to laugh at yourself and not be too uptight, but there's a difference between being easygoing and being dismissive of your own or others' feelings. In general, it's a phrase that can indicate a lack of respect or empathy.

@Lara , thanks for the response. I'd not considered it from that perspective before. How, then, would you recommend a bloke comminicate that "we'll click if you appreciate the lighter and humourous side of life, enjoy a good laugh, and try not to stress the small stuff".

Hi @Lara . I personally find it challenging to put profiles together on sites such as this because words I choose will convey one thing to one lady, but something potentially quite different to another. For instance, my words may present a laid-back, relaxed, humorous bloke to one lady but dismissive, disrespectful and and lacking empathy to another. What's a bloke to do?

@Chris I think that’s a nice way to state it generally.

@Chris it can be that way sometimes. However there’s some standard things that women will generally know are signs to steer clear from. For me, I know the statement about “taking yourself too seriously” sets off alarm bells. If it’s a one off only red flag, I’d be willing to see if it’s just a one off or if there’s other things that feel off.

@Lara , thanks for the feedback.

@Lara , that's fair.

@Lara agreed. It could indicate someone looking for an easy ride or life. No headache as they say. But then it is a phrase that's commonly used without people giving it much thought. It might be better to talk about sense of humour or being able to see the funny in different situations, that comes across better to me but everyone's different.

@Lachlan I can’t speak for every woman, but I would say it’s a pretty known red flag for women who have an understanding of emotional literacy, and possibly have run across men who lack empathy & practice emotional manipulation tactics. Lots of other ways to state the need for fun in life, like Chris has done 😊

@Lara Agreed! The phrase "you dont take yourself too seriously" is also a red flag to me as a result of past experiences and the way it can be used to shut down important, difficult conversations and emotions. @Chris Your rephrase sounds good!

@Breann I heard a good quote about it and it turned me away from it. I have to search it again but I'll share it with you if you'd like 🩷

@Breann was that sarcasm? 🙃

I think Dr. Gottman says sarcasm is the step before contempt. I try to stay away from it.

@Ireana please! I'm not sure I understand this one considering God himself is pretty funny and sarcastic

@Breann Asking this in Kind; how do you know God is sarcastic?

@Chris 😂

@Leila just open private mesaje if you want to know the answer

@Albert oh right can’t see you’ve sent a private message?

Yeah, this seems a bit presumptuous whichever way you read the sentence.

@Lachlan agree