Never wanting to meet up

@Jude You have repeatedly suggested that is a lady’s motive in meeting a man in real life for a simple cup of coffee to force a lifelong commitment on him. Obviously, no one is trying to force you to marry them after one date. Rest easy.

@Marina I’m not saying this is the case with EVERY woman. I’m saying SOME women do that. When you meet them they raise expectations, they accelerate, they lead and steer.. or at least they try. The advice is… If you have been chatting a guy and you want to meet him then communicate with him your expectations and clarify why you want to meet. Otherwise, you can find yourself on a date talking to a brick wall. 🧱

@Jude I’m not sure how much clarification or reassurance is needed about a 30 minute cup of coffee. An extensive discussion of “why you want to meet” is not needed for most people because it stands to reason that if you have enjoyed someone’s virtual company for months, in a dating context, it would be natural to want to see them at some point. Query why you are otherwise involved in online dating or chatting at all. 1/2

To 99.999999% of people it would be just that: a cup of coffee, with no hidden agenda or ulterior motive to “accelerate” in any alarming way. If you have had negative experiences of women expecting a ring on their finger after 30 minutes or an hour in your company, that’s very unfortunate, because this isn’t how the vast, huge, overwhelming majority of women behave. 2/2

@Marina If it’s just a 30 minutes cup of coffee they should be able to talk to other ladies online, am I right? What do you think?

@Jude yes absolutely. Of course 👍🏼

@Marina Nice 👍 I hope 100% of the women, here on SALT, feel and think the same.

@Marina I think just block and stop responding to him. His responses are unhealthly and toxic. Don’t waste your breath ❤️

How are the responses unhealthy and toxic when I am asking you questions?

@Marina wish I knew it when I was younger. Would’ve saved me a lot of heart ache 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Jude as in, he shouldn’t try to meet up with someone he’s been chatting to on a dating app? 🧐

Yes, if he senses that she will overstep the boundary and try to lead and escalate the relationship to the next level.

@Jude If he's not ready after months of talking to her to even take her out for coffee because of fear that she'll try to escalate it, then my advice would be that he gets off all dating apps and goes to get some counselling for attachment issues. I don't intend that harshly, but it sounds very avoidant. And it sounds like a recipe to waste a lot of women's time, as well as mess with their hearts. And it doesn't sound like he is ready to healthily pursue a women's heart.

@Angela I never said not to meet. I’m saying that if you meet you should know why, and you should try to see the guy’s perspective as to why he wouldn’t want to meet. It’s not always the guy’s fault for not initiating. If you’re too keen (or desperate) that’s not attractive. Maybe he should end online conversations but he keeps it going because he’s kind? May be he hopes that her expectation level will drop over time?

Talking online over months… would suggest to me that she is into the guy. It would also suggest to me that they didn’t just have small talks… He probably has a good idea of what she’s about and what she’s looking for and decided that he’s not interested to meet. I see someone advised to meet early - I think that’s fair, but again you should know why and plan how you approach that meeting.

@Jude I can see what you're saying in that someone, in trying to be kind, may have a difficult time ending a conversation. And yet, perhaps the kindest thing is to be upfront if someone has decided they don't see it going further or have no interest in meeting up. Especially as many people aren't here to look for extra penpals. And if people aren't just having small talk, like you highlighted, emotions can get involved especially after longer periods of time. 😊

@Angela It’s a great idea to meet early… but as we’ve previously discussed, if you don’t plan and aren’t intentional about why you’re meeting (and what you’re trying to achieve) you can easily find yourself at Stage 2.2 after that 1st 30-minute coffee date…when you actually both should be at Stage 2.1. What brings people to Stage 2.2 quickly are the questions they ask and topics that they discuss on dates.

@Jude you seem very paranoid that women are trying to marry you and have your babies after meeting you once. No one is trying to do this. Women are not the desperate, sad, clingy creatures you have repeatedly accused them of being on this thread.

@Marina Again, I never said that. I said these are traits that women shouldn’t have. I think WE should be patient. I said that you can meet as long as…….. If you understand why you’re meeting for the first time and you’re communicating your intentions I don’t see why a guy wouldn’t want to meet you.

@Marina In relation to having babies which you’ve just mentioned and thought about… it makes sense that women in their 30’s would have a different approach to dating, and you’ve just shown how this ties to the “Don’t waste my time” attitude.

@Marina In all this conversation, I didn’t mention BABIES but you did. Thanks.

And, you aren’t inside anyone’s head so you’ve no clue what I (or any other woman, of any age) has “thought about”. Nor have I “shown” anything. The only person wasting anyone’s time here is you, with your fixation and obsession with women being somehow “out to get you”. Don’t worry, you don’t have to go for a coffee with anyone. Don’t lose any sleep over that.

@Marina Try going on your 1st 30-minute coffee date and mention any of these words in a joke: - Babies (which you’ve thought about of and already mentioned) - Wedding - Children - Mortgage - Don’t waste my time Increase your chances (or decrease your chances). You work it out for yourself because obviously you don’t seem to care about the guys’ perspective.

@Marina And in some ways maybe you’re right in saying that guys have no clue about what your thinking… but that’s only until you start mentioning words in conversations. Some guys will listen carefully to what you say, especially on a 1st date.

@Jude and nope, you still don’t know what I or any other woman has “thought about”. Repeating that won’t change it. I get that it’s tempting to you to want to control women’s thoughts though.

@Marina what? You brought something into the conversation because you thought about it. Your words, not mine…so if you were mature you should own up to it. No one is trying to control you. When you drop words into a conversation we know what you’re thinking.

@Marina Anyway, I’m going to wrap up this conversation because obviously we know what you “thought about” from your own words. Also, the advice if you were to take it - up to you…is 1. Try to meet early. 2. Be intentional. Communicate why you want to meet. 3. Understand that your words tell us what you think. 4. When you meet don’t try to steer and lead, escalate, raise expectations…if you want the guy to take initiative and lead. 5. Be patient. All the very best to you.

Would still agree with your advice not to allow time to be wasted if someone is unable to move past that to pursue while also still recognizing we may not know the reasons for their actions (or inaction).

@Marina Understood, but if you meet… are you going to accelerate? Raise expectations? Maybe don’t just ask to meet… Tell them what will happen if you meet. Tell them what you’re thinking.

@Jude not sure what threat/ulterior motive a lady can have in mind in inviting you for a coffee beyond having a short chat with you to see if you get on in real life… but we can agree to disagree on that too!

@Marina There is no “threat”. We’ve been over this in other posts and threads regarding Christian dating. We don’t date to know - that’s dating around. We date to marry. If it’s just for a chat that you’re meeting for then communicate exactly that. Based on the questions you’ve already asked this gentleman and the conversations you’ve had he would have been able to sense whether that is the case or not when you meet - just a chat.

*if you were to meet in real life

@Marina Agreed with this...It seems totally fair to have wanted to meet up or at the very least have a video chat if distance was an issue long before three months. Seems like attachment styles could (although not necessarily) be having an impact if this would be perceived as being clingy...